SUCCESEFULL MARRIAGE IS IT STILL POSSIBLE?
WHAT CAUSES DISAPPOINTMENT IN MARRIAGES
BY APOSTLE DR NYANDWI ALEXANDRE
Bible says: “The lord God said it is not good for a man to be alone, I will make a helper who is just right to him” (Genesis 2:18).
As the world moves ahead, people undergo many changes in their lives despite being from different culture and backgrounds. There have been many innovations in all sphere of human existence in the 20th century; these scenarios have brought about numerous ways of working and living and all these changes affect families across the globe. This goes a long way to how situations are handled and when it comes to marriages, the issues couples undergo seem not to have a proper way to resolve, because as long as earth keeps moving ahead, we see that no productive strategy to resolve the family problems. Different governments have tried to install technical teams under the ministries of family planning to deal with family issues, but it seems that the problem continue to escalate more than before. United Nations also have different programs to stabilize families in most of the countries but this has proved that there is no one solution to resolve this problem of family violence and couple separation in nations, in 2020, for example, the United nations General secretary announced that family violence is one of the greatest problem and that the world must pay special attention to it. In my view families are under crisis more than before but the question is: who have the answer of our families? if the governments and United nations have failed? This book gives a deeper understanding of the problem’s families face and also suggest ways where families can work together to play a role towards a sustainable future of our families and a better world. God bless you and help you as go through this book.
AM PRAYING FOR ALL OF YOU
As I write this book, I have been praying for you so that you may experience hope, joy and more energy from God who has a purpose for you. I am very happy because you have this book in your hand that will change your life forever, my experience can’t change you but God’s power will help you to start new life and change you to be a good wife and good husband in future. I want to challenge you to take time to read this book with your heart and recommend it to your friends, am very much sure that will be a useful tool to strengthen and builds up your relationship and repair broken families across cultures. In the midst of darkness, disappointments this book will give light and in junction of roads, this book will show you the direction of life . God bless you
all bible verses were from King James Version and Holy bible 2020 @New international version
DEDICATION:
I dedicate this book to all who have burden in their families, counselors of the couples, advisors of young people, peacemakers, all religious leaders, philosophers, psychologist, bishops and pastors of my ministry, all my lecturers and my family.
I want also to dedicate this book to these noble and strategic visionary leaders who have inspired my life in many ways for many years, among them is; Bishop Dr. Oyedepo (founder of winner’s chapel international &Covenant university–Canaan land Nigeria), Dalai Lama (Tibetan state leader/Known as leader who loved people more than others in the world), Dr Dk olukoya (founder of mountain fire and miracles ministries/with MFM prayer city), Barack Hussein Obama (former Us president), Prophet TB Joshua (founder of synagogue church of all nations & Emanuel TV founder), Mahatma Ghandi (father of the nation of India (Bapu) founder of venerable word), Martin Luther king Junior (USA revolutionary leader), Rick warren (founder of saddleback church-based Lake forest America and author of purpose driven life book), Bishop Dr TD Jakes (founder of potter’s church & author of Soar and before you do books), Pastor Dr Antoine Rutayisire (former AEE leader and Author), Nelson Mandela (former South African President and author), Dr. Gary Chapman (philosopher and of five love languages book), Pastor Dr Sunday Adelaja (founder of Embassy of the blessed church for all Nations –Kiev-in Ukraine and many others). God bless you for your incomparable inspiration to my life and to the entire world.
Contents
FOREWORD BY DR NYANDWI ALEXANDRE
DEDICTION
THANKS-GIVING NOTES
1.A SERVEY ON PROBLEMS IN MARRIAGE
2.TO MARRY SOMEONE WHO CAN’T HELP YOU TO ACHIEVE YOUR GOALS OR VISIONS.
3.TO MARRY CHEATING MAN&WOMEN
4. MISMANAGERMENT OF FINANCES IN MARRIAGE
5.CONTROL BY PARENTS OR OTHER PEOPLE IN MARRIAGE
6.CHALLENGES IN SEXUAL INTIMACY
7.TO MARRY VISION LESS MAN&WOMEN
8.OBSENCE OF RESPECT IN MARRIAGE
9.MARRIAGE FOR MATERIAL GAIN
10.MISUNDERSTANDINGS BETWEEN PARTNERS. (MAN&WOMAN )
11.DESIRE TO PLEASE OTHERS IN MARRIAGE
11.TO MARRY FORMLESS MAN &WOMAN /APPEARANCE
13.DISAGREEMENT ON VALUES AND BELIEFS
14.PREMATURE MARRIAGE AS CAUSE OF TRIALS.
15.OTHERS
-Marriage has more benefits than cohabition
-Most asked quetions about marriges&Answers
-Book referances
-list of other books of the Author
-Different perspectives on different issues of life by Author FOREWORD BOOK
1. SURVEY OF MARRIAGES SEPARATIONS IN FIRST TEN NATIONS
THE CONTENTS ARE NOT AVAILABLE FOR NOW BUT SOON .....
WHAT CAUSES DISAPPOINTMENT IN MARRIAGES.
TO MARRY SOMEONE WHO CAN’T HELP YOU TO ACHIEVE YOUR GOALS OR VISIONS.
Where there is no vision, the people perish; but happy is he who keeps the teaching" - Proverbs 29:18 (MEV).
Some years back, I received a call from a very promising and well-to-do young lady who was a degree holder. “She must be balanced educationally,” I thought. She was a new friend I had just made. I can’t recall how he got my contact, but anyway I am a very social being when I want to be. I like associating and exchanging ideas with people, especially when it comes to those who are focused or at least know where they are going. At first, she seemed to me to be a very knowledgeable person, had good oratory power coupled with eloquence.
Over time, we had very interesting discussions and on one of such days, she brought up a topic about the home, family, the husband and the wife. During the course of our discussion, she made a statement that really got my attention and I couldn’t let go. She was not the first person I ever heard that from and coming from a promising, educated and well- to-do degree holder, I was chilled to spine. She said to me, “A woman has no vision, it’s the husband that has vision.” After she made the statement, I was silent for about two minutes though it seemed like eternity. She went ahead to explain that if a wife had her own vision and such vision is different from her husband’s, then there will be division. This implies that two visions will lead to division in the home. She went further to say that the only purpose a woman has is to be a help in achieving her husband’s vision.
Well, I did not hesitate to challenge her ideology right away. Permit me to say that this school of thought that reduces women to this level is from the pit of hell. I asked her, “So, do you mean that the purpose for which God created a young lady disappears the moment she gets married? If this ideology is what it is, please can you explain to me the purpose and vision for which God created so many women that never got married or will never get married? Do you mean to tell me that Mother Theresa never fulfilled purpose because she was not married? Do you also mean to tell me that Kathryn Kuhlman never fulfilled purpose because she never really married? Do you want to tell me that Margret did not accomplish her vision (first British army woman doctor who kept her secret as woman for 50 good years, she was a woman but acted as man, it was known that she was a woman at her dearth: known as Dr Jemus barry)? How about the women who have lost their husbands, do their visions stop or go along with their husbands to the grave?
To make matters worse, this young lady was a minister in church. As of the time I was having this conversation with her few years ago, I was single in my earlier twenties. I was already the senior pastor of a church I started and that had grown into 5 branches at the time, had written my first book, written so many articles, poems, short stories, etc. I had also started an NGO, full of so much vision that marriage was not even a thought in my mind. I was traveling from one place to another for ministrations and teachings. I started to think more according to my experience as minister of God, it was one of the most ridiculous things I ever heard in my entire life. I had burden to help her by saying that: your thought pattern is barbaric. How could you even come up with such an ideology? How could you even say such from your mouth as minister of God in the church?”
By this time, I was so upset in my spirit because she said that is what she teaches the ladies in the church she leads. She said women should ton down in their vision and goals when they get married. To which I replied that, if she marries someone who cannot help to achieve her goals and visions of her life will end up in disappointment, since marrying a person who is supportive to her visions and goals is very necessary. I wanted to let her to know that God created us to accomplish his purpose here on earth. My first responsibility here on earth is to do God’s will and accomplish his will not as any human wishes and desires.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not against the role of a woman as a help her husband meet their goals and vision, there should be no superiority between the couple but the key thing is to help each other in this life.
Bible says: The lord God said; it is not good for a man to be alone; I will make a helper who is just right to him (Genesis 2:18)
However, I am totally against the ideology that a woman has no life but the life of her husband, which is what the lady was perpetuating. These are the kind of teachings taught in our churches, Mosque and different groups that goes a long way in humiliating the mankind and have turned our ladies to be lesser humans with no purpose in life. They are “husband hunting” from one place to the other with no clear sense of direction or vision for their lives. Their greatest desire or achievement is to get married to a rich man and become a housewife. What a shame? Can you see how we have succeeded in demeaning a whole personality to just a piece of property for housekeeping and baby production? Can we now see why our women are so ineffective in our societies, especially in Africa? This has to change and the time for that change is now.
Dear ladies, it is time for you to arise and fulfill the purpose for which you were created for. You don’t need to be married to be great. You don’t need to be married to fulfill your purpose. You don’t need to be married to be established. Why are you sitting down, day-dreaming, waiting for a rich man to marry you? If you want riches, my dear get to work. God has given you the ability to create wealth. You don’t need to be married to be wealthy. Don’t let anything or anyone hold you down. If you are a wife, don’t get lost in that title. There is a purpose for which God created you. Discover it and fulfill it. Before you were ever married, you were first an individual with a purpose created by God for a mission on the earth.
Am I in any way saying women should disregard their responsibilities as wives or mothers? Not at all; but know that there is more to you as a woman. It is high time we stopped putting women down in the body of Christ. It is high time we empower young women to fulfill their purpose.
My dear ladies, if you do find yourself as a single, marriage will not solve that for you. Maximize your single life now. Discover who you are. Discover your purpose and pursue it. “Your desire shall be upon your husband” was a curse that came with the fall of man. Christ came and died to restore us all from the curse of the law (women inclusive). Therefore, there is neither male no female in Christ Jesus! Always live in the consciousness of this truth, you can do all things through Christ who gives you strength. The goal of the wife or the woman is to get married to a man with vision, a man with direction, so he can lead her. But the story is different these days with some ladies. Desperation, loneliness and pressure from society is pushing some women to rather lead men with no vision; trying to be a mother for these men they are supposed to get married to; planting flowers in the yard of men who don't have what it takes to water it.
Vision is a key in the life of every one, it is like a direction. If a man has direction, you can't change it but you can help each other adjust the sail as a helper to reach his destination. In the situation where the man has no direction, what else can you do?
Young beautiful single lady, as you prepare for a date please don't go partying or doing things that will cost you your future. It's a perfect opportunity to know the direction of this man before you jump into his boat. Knowing the direction gives you an idea of the destination. Don't just jump into his boat because you think it's nice, without knowing the direction. It is risky, the same to the man must think and think on the lady are dating if is the one can help to achieve his goals and visions not just to be driven by blind love.
What do I mean by the direction? Know his vision for his life. His long-term and short-term goals. What he is doing to achieve that, figure where you fit in? Don't force yourself into his life rather let him or her put you there. Let him or her tell you why he thinks you are the perfect mate? Don't just be carried away. Don’t fall for his words, it serves as a route for his navigation.
.
Going on date is not going out to have sex, the purpose for such visit is to
get to know each other; him or her opening up his soul to you, telling you his
dreams, fears, hopes, thought is more than being naked with you. No one opens
up to strangers disclosing information about their future, but people can
easily have sex with strangers, people they don't know. If you think I am
lying, please ask a prostitute.
If he refuses to talk about that, it also means he doesn't value you as wife or husband and doesn’t deserve your time. You should not be surprised there are people sometimes who desire what they don't value. Distance yourself. Don't let any man &lady buy you a drink, food or gives you money in the name of date. Everything has its price tag; many things can also be bought, but there are things that cannot be bought not because they have no value but because they are priceless. Their value is too high to price. You should be that. When a man or lady is truly in love with you, they are willing to share their life with you; the deepest parts of their soul and doing that causes them to love you more. So, in case he doesn't want to share, it also means he doesn't love you.
In conclusion to have a family based on God’s values and full of love and happiness, couples must be ready to help each other to achieve their visions and goals in life; the gender equality must be interpreted in helping each other in all that is the concept of God to create man and woman and bless them to be together. May God bless all remember this verse "Where there is no vision, the people perish; but happy is he who keeps the teaching" - Proverbs 29:18 (MEV).
TO MARRY CHEATING MAN&WOMEN
Bible says: Proverbs 12:22
Lying lips are an abomination to the LORD, but those who deal faithfully are His delight.
2. Colossians 3:9-10
Do not lie to one another, for you have stripped off the old nature with its practices and have clothed yourselves with the new nature, which is being renewed in full knowledge, consistent with the image of the one who created it.
3. Proverbs 13:5
A righteous person hates deceit, but the wicked person is shameful and disgraceful.
When my husband cheated on me 3 years ago, I was sad and disappointed. It threw me into a tailspin of toxic thoughts, from pointless comparisons (Does he find her more attractive?, does he really loves me ?, what that one have more than me?, will he stop it or he will keep cheating on me over and over?) that situation made me to lose faith in our relationship. I started to behave independent in that house and because I loved very much that man, I tried to continue living with him and three years the pain was unbearable to me. The one question rose above the din, and looped like a drumbeat in my head for one week after 3 years was, why did he do it? Knowing very well that the answer couldn't turn back the clock and make him not cheat on me, in the back of my mind I hoped it would give clarity to a situation I had no control over. During the 3 years the pain increased to a point that I decided to separate with him and took my 4 years old, Nathan, with me. Since then I have never wished to meet my husband, it’s been now eleven years and my son knows that his father was died in accident (this is a testimony of single mother whose name (ANN) from one of East Africa Nation.
Anyone who ever finds out that their spouse has cheated on them, it is a uniquely painful experience. In the midst of the teary talks that follow the discovery of the betrayal, one might never hear an actual reason (as in the case in my previous relationships, they don't fully know the answer themselves).
Whether it’s cheating in marriage or in courtship, the scripture says lot about cheating and condemns it as a sinful nature. Many people assume that God doesn’t care since they are not married and it causes lots of problem including comparing your mate with others. Those that say that cheating is not an issue as long as you are not married are misleading people are this is false. Even if it’s not cheating on your spouse, cheating is deception and God hates deception. You are basically living a lie.
We always hear about celebrities and people of the world who cheat on their partners. God is serious about adultery. If someone cheats when they’re not married what’s to stop them from cheating when they are. How is it showing love to others? How is it being like Christ? Stay away from the schemes of Satan. If Christ died for our sins, how can we still live in it? Christ did change your life don’t go back to your old way of living.
N.B:
- Cheating isn’t always kissing, touching, or flirting, if you have to delete text messages so your partner won’t seem them, you’re already there.
- Cheating is a choice not a mistake.
The following bible verses are simply talking about the danger of cheating /have selected few of them.
Proverbs 12:19
Truthful words stand the test of time, but lies are soon exposed.
1 John 1:6
If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth.
We must walk with integrity.
Proverbs 10:9
People with integrity walk safely, but those who follow crooked paths will slip and fall.
Proverbs 28:18
The one who lives with integrity will be helped, but one who distorts right and wrong will suddenly fall.
What does the Bible say?
Exodus 20:14
Never commit adultery.
Hebrews 13:4
Let marriage be kept honorable in every way, and the marriage bed undefiled. For God will judge those who commit sexual sins, especially those who commit adultery.
Proverbs 6:32
Whoever commits adultery with a woman is out of his mind; by doing so he corrupts his own soul.
Darkness will be revealed. The cheater is already guilty.
Luke 8:17
There is nothing hidden that won’t be revealed, and there is nothing secret that won’t become known and come to light.
Mark 4:22
Everything that is hidden will be made clear. Every secret thing will be made known.
John 3:20-21
Everyone who practices wickedness hates the light and does not come to the light, so that his actions may not be exposed. But whoever does what is true comes to the light, so that it may become evident that his actions have God’s approval.
Pornography is a form of cheating as well.
Matthew 5:28
But I can guarantee that whoever looks with lust at a woman has already committed adultery in his heart.
Stay away from evil.
1 Thessalonians 5:22
Abstain from all appearance of evil.
We are not supposed to act like the world. We are to be their light.
1 Peter 2:9
But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people of his own, so that you may proclaim the virtues of the one who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.
2 Timothy 2:22
Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart.
Cheating will.
Ecclesiastes 7:1
A good name exceeds the value of fine perfume, and the day of someone’s death exceeds the value of the day of his birth.
Don’t cheat or give pay back because someone cheated on you.
Romans 12:17
Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.
1 Thessalonians 5:15
Make sure that no one ever pays back one wrong with another wrong. Instead, always try to do what is good for each other and everyone else.
Forgive
Mark 11:25
And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have fought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.
Reminders
James 4:17
So, whoever knows what is good to do and does not do it is guilty of sin.
Luke 6:31
And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise.
Galatians 5:16-17
So, I say, live by the Spirit, and you will never fulfill the desires of the flesh. For what the flesh wants is opposed to the Spirit, and what the Spirit wants is opposed to the flesh. They are opposed to each other, and so you do not do what you want to do.
Example
2 Samuel 11:2-4
Late one afternoon, after his midday rest, David got out of bed and was walking on the roof of the palace. As he looked out over the city, he noticed a woman of unusual beauty taking a bath. He sent someone to find out who she was, and he was told, “She is Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam and the wife of Uriah the Hittite. Then David sent messengers to get her; and when she came to the palace, he slept with her. She had just completed the purification rites after having her menstrual period. Then she returned home, from that time David ecountered many problems and even the kid they got died after some time, cheating is very dangerous
We must run from temptation. Do not let ungodly thoughts dwell in you.
1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure.
Conclusion
Over the years I have seen that the worst situation for couples is to find out that their partners are cheating on them; as the world moves on adultery is being normalized in different nations to a point where cheating seems normal even in marriages. Churches and mosque have regardless been the groups that vehemently condemn such behaviours and teach publicly that it is very wrong to cheat and all their efforts play little role to fight this problem. In my 20 years in the ministry, I have been able to resolve the issue of families which the problem had been on cheating on each other, only 4 cases among the thousands of cases, where the couples confessed to have cheated while the rest no one could admit and ask for forgiveness during the sessions. Some sessions would even take us hours and hours talking about how one of them cheated, I remember one day when went with my assistant pastor to help couple as they expressed how each one was unfaithful, that night there was a revelation of how the lady had decided to stay with husband but continue to be in love love with her former lover (we stated a meeting 10pm and didn’t sleep till 4:30 am in the morning and next day was Sunday when I was scheduled to preach)
Dear men and women of God cheating is not Godly, if you want to destroy your family start that behaviour and result will come out very quickly, if you feel tired with your mate better stop your journey instead of destroying your friend’s life, if you chose him or her don’t cause pain in your marriage let God help you and me as well.
Bible says, in Galatians 6:7-8 “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit”.
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